Where there's a will, there's Jon Dylan...

Friday, September 12, 2008

6 o'clock. He was late. I had waited for Stephen for about 45 minutes, to finish packing for his snowboarding trip which should have happened the night before, so we could leave to set up mum's surprise birthday dinner. Needless to say, I left without him and Jeni & I proceeded to set stuff up by ourselves. We arranged the barn perfectly with everything that was needed for a bbq at the beach. It was a great night for it: Wet, dark & on a farm with no waves! But Jeni came up with an absolute brainwave - she simply painted a mural of some sand and water & hung it on the back of the barn! Added to this a few hay bales, bucket and spade, jandals, sunblock and you're all set.

By this time it's now about half six and so I ring Dad who says yup they're leaving in 5 and to start the barbeque...

Ever tried cooking homekill sausages (which don't cook very well) on a barbeque outside, in the dark, in the rain with tools that don't work, after vowing that you will never ever cook on a bbq coz it's a man's job? No, neither had I until now.

I am not normally sexist by the way, there are just some things I reckon that women shouldn't be allowed to do due to the general health and safety of all living creatures great and small! Speak in church, absolutely; Operate a bbq, no way. Don't get me wrong now, I love to cook and have been doing so since I was 11 years old, but I believe I can say without any hesitation, that I was right about my theory all along and this is one job I will definitely be leaving to the men.

So anyway, I figured, well how hard can it be, and proceeded to cook the meat. It went a little something like this:

1. Light the bbq. Ok, this part's pretty easy.

2. Throw the meat on the bbq. Yup still doing ok.

3. Watch out for oil and water off pre-cooked sausages throwing flames into the air and almost taking out eyeballs. (Note to self, buy shop pre-cooked sausages next time instead of doing it yourself)

4. Attempt to turn chops and sausages with a useless pair of tongs that don't grip.

5. Flag utensils and use fingers (Gary Adams, I hope you're not watching).

6. Burn fingers.

7. Try to turn meat again with useless tongs.

8. Can't see whether meat needs turning or not coz it's pitch black and can't find torch so have to figure out how to get old-school kerosene lantern working which hadn't been used for 10 years.

9. Wipe 10 years of dust off and fill with kerosene.

10. Throw away 6 matches which won't light coz they're budget.

11. Hold top of lantern up with one hand, hold matchbox between legs and strike match with free hand.

12. Hastily remove lantern away from eyes as wick was too far out and kerosene creates a lot of smoke.

13. Remember to turn meat.

14. Step away from bbq as flames jump 2 feet high from reacting to the water again (I took physics in high school, not chemistry - what else can I say).

15. Repeat process three or four times while muttering annoyances at Stephen under breath.

16. Hastily repent before the flames actually reach their target and do some damage.

17. Remove hopefully cooked meat from barbeque and put in oven while waiting....

So when the others finally arrive and we get to eat (it's now about 7:30) I find surprisingly, it actually tasted ok. It wasn't burnt, under-cooked or too well-done! So thanks Stephen, for allowing me to have this experience of a lifetime, just please don't do it again anytime soon!